I hope you're in good humour, because today's chapter must be read that way. It always makes me smile when I recall my 1st date with my husband. (or something like that :)

"Today I met the boy I'm going to marry"... 
Well, that might have been someone else's song, but it did become mine too... eventually.  I remember the first time I saw him.  I can still see him there scrawled sideways on the armchair.  I remember the way his hair went and the colour of his clothing.  We were at our youth leader's house and he was the new guy.  That's all I can recall though of that first time and there was definitely nothing about marriage being sung.  Anyway, I must have shifted my focus; probably because I was dating someone else!

A few months went by.  I was no longer going out with the guy I had been seeing, and Bruce was also 'available'.  I wasn't the only one in our small group of friends to notice his availability though so, the pursuit began.  (Oh come on, don't tell me you've never pursued anyone before! :)  You know what I mean; you just randomly make sure that you're around to be able to comment, help out in a time of need, laugh at one of their jokes, or just look pretty.  Oh, I know this sounds crazy but something in me just wanted to get to know this guy... and he didn't seem to mind either.

The 1st time he came to our house was after a mud-soccer game that a bunch of us were playing.  His family lived about a 1/2 hour away so I offered our house to get showered and cleaned up for something we were all going to later that day.  I do remember one of the other girls offering the same convenience to him as well... Anyway, there really wasn't anything more to it than that, except for my parents starting to ask questions.

OK.  So here's the fun part!  Bruce's sister was getting married ...

... & I was asked to sing at their wedding.  There was nothing unusual about that as I was frequently asked to sing at many other events.

I bought a new dress and some high-heeled shoes to go with it.  Now that doesn't sound like anything out of the ordinary, but you must understand that I was used to being somewhat of a 'tom-boy'.  I had never worn heels like this before!  I got my brother to stand back to back with me to measure and see if I would be taller than Bruce if I wore them.  Ha! 

So, off I went.  The wedding went well (except for the part where Bruce's grandfather prayed for an old boyfriend of his sister's instead of the groom).  It was after the wedding that things started to formulate...  Bruce was an usher and one of his roles (to my understanding) was to make sure that the bridesmaids had rides to the reception hall.  Well, he didn't do that.  Instead he asked me (the musician) if I needed a ride.  And, guess what... I did! (don't laugh!)  It was then, that I could feel my heart starting to get excited, and nervous.

Their wedding was on a Friday night and by the time the reception was over, it was very late.  Bruce was taking me home, but the catch was that he & his sister were switching cars.  They were using Bruce's for their honeymoon and he was taking theirs in exchange.  Nobody else knew of this arrangement, so when we went to go home, we hopped into a car plastered with wedding 'well-wishes'.  To add to everything, the back of the car was fully loaded with all of their gifts.  So, when we got in, Bruce in his tux and I with my heels & corsage... Well, you can just imagine how it looked!  As we drove away, the classic thing actually happened; the car was on empty!  Ha!  The reception was out in the country and nothing was open at this time of night so we had to drive back into the city to find an open gas station before he took me home.  People waved & honked as we drove by.  Finally we found a station open and when Bruce went in to pay, the guy at the counter congratulated him!  It was so terribly funny and yet we were still so nervous with each other that we could only slightly laugh about it!

Anyway, you now know the long & short of it... When Bruce dropped me off, he thought it 'convenient' to ask if I'd like to go out on a real date.

Jesus said, "That unless we change and become as a little child, we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven". (Matthew 18:3)

Don't worry; I'm not returning to my literal childhood like a magical time warp out of reality!  That would be denial (and probably insanity!).  But I have desperately desired to know the purity and total acceptance of who God made me to be and to know the abandonment of self and peace that comes with trust.  In this picture of myself as a child I see such confidence, such joy and laughter; things I possessed without even knowing they were there.

I am going to say something that may seem obvious to you, but has actually been one of my greatest stumbling blocks to freedom; 'You have to see, to see'.  Another way to say it would be, ‘You don’t know what you don’t know’.   Let me explain.  Jesus did not just say that we needed to become like a small child, but that we needed to change and become like a small child.  If I couldn’t perceive the need for change, how would I ever change?

Hindsight may be pretty clear, but perception is often cloudy.  Somehow without even noticing it, I had grown old and forgot.  Somehow I had opened the door to things like fear and arrogance, and closed it the truth and love.

Paul talks about this in 1 Corinthians 13:12.  Listen to what he says:
“We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!”(The Message Bible)

God does not expect us to “see” it all at once.  In fact, my husband once pointed out to me that if I could see everything that God wanted to deal with in me... I'd probably die :).  That’s His job and He is the only one capable of bearing everything; in fact, He bore it all years ago on the cross.  He is the One that is all knowing, not me.  It has been enough for me to ‘get it’ one step at a time for God knows that it would have crushed my spirit to see all my need in one instance.  We are all on a journey.  Our responsibility is to listen for that knocking, for it never stops.  He comes at just the right time to sit and have a meal with us; to nourish and teach us if we’ll let Him.  God knows what we can bear.  He is wisdom and He is love and His desire for us is to love and be one with us.

There is an interesting example that God gives us in scripture regarding this.  God was giving instructions to the Israelites before they entered into the Promised Land.  This land was occupied by a lot of people and would need to be conquered.  He explains to them that He would go ahead of them causing the occupying nations to leave but, He would not do it all in one fell swoop.  Listen to what God says to the Israelites in Exodus 23:29-30:

“I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the beasts of the field become too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased, and you inherit the land.”  (New King James Version)

Don’t you just love God!  You see if this was up to me, I would have planned a mass invasion to get in and get settled as fast as possible; you know:  'Get on with the program' kind of thinking!  But what God in His wisdom knew, is that they would not have been able to sustain everything and hang on to the land.  They needed to move slowly and strategically as He led them, getting rooted and established, growing and then moving to the next phase of advancement.

Our human limitations are known to God.  He knows what we can handle and will only work to benefit us. and will always work to benefit us, leading us ‘little by little’ or ‘from glory to glory’. 

Our responsibility is to be willing to simply take a step toward Him and ask Him what He wants to show us today; that we open the door, let Him in and let Him lead.

Jesus said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock.  If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me.   Revelation 3:20

...more's coming.

A few years ago, when I was crying out to God for that childlike freedom, He led me to a picture that my mom had given me of when I was 3 or 4 years old.  Yes it's the one you can see here....  I have kept that picture in front of me (blown it up and hung it on my office wall) and asked God to take me back to the freedom that I so obviously had as a child.

Jesus said, “That unless we change and become as a little child, we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven”. (Matthew 18:3)

I love that!

So, come with me back to the beginning where I remember a kind of happy recklessness as a child; a freedom that was somehow lost through the years.  It is that recklessness, that self abandonment that I have set my sights to return to!