8. Beauty 03/27/2010
Life was going along quite well and our international adventures started to begin! Within a couple of months of being married, we left Canada and went to live in Israel for a period of 7 months. After learning that I was pregnant (and embarrassed to be so, ‘cause then everyone would know what we were doing! Ok, I admit it... I was green!), we came home and settled in. Bruce was a carpenter by trade and soon found work. I stayed home with the new baby... and then had 3 more over the next 6 years! The moving patterns also continued as we relocated 3 more times. It was probably sometime after having our 1st baby that the Lord started to reveal something to me. Bruce would frequently tell me how beautiful I was... and I would just as frequently laugh and thank him; for after all, he was entitled to his own opinion. You see, I never really believed it for myself. It occurred to me that I was insulting him when I laughed, but I could not shake the negative feelings that I had about myself. You see, in all my growing up years I didn't have any recollection of dad telling me that I was pretty. I seemed to gain more approval from him if I went out with my brothers (I was sandwiched between the 2 of them in age) and doing what they did best. I became very good at sports, didn’t like wearing skirts (still don’t:), and just became a bit of a tom-boy. I don’t think I even started wearing makeup until I was in my mid 20’s... sorry Bruce. Now, just so you get the complete picture here; I really liked doing a lot of the things that my brothers did! I had fun playing street hockey and beating my older brother in basketball -- I loved sports & adventure, so it never occurred to me that anything was lacking. I had a lot of great times with him. So, as you can appreciate; this whole 'beautiful woman' thing really caught me off guard... I was used to compliments about music, creativity, sports and even ministry & leadership skills. But I was not used to the 'pretty' comments. I realized again, that this was an area where I lacked a lot of self worth. God is so good! He not only gave me a wonderful husband who, over the years has built me up & honoured me, but He also gave me a great opportunity with my dad where we were able to discuss some of these things. Dad was so surprised at the impact of what he missed and so sorry. He told me that he always thought I was beautiful but was afraid to tell me because he didn’t want his little girl to get proud. I am so grateful for this moment! I think that something in his little girl was finally able to grow up. I also thank God for Bruce, who always loved me for who I was & through the years has made me a better and more confident person. You may be someone who can relate to this journey of mine. I realize, as time goes on that God is always wooing me to His view point. He wants me to see what He sees; not just in others, but in me as well. He simply loves me. He simply loves you. Here are a couple of scriptures that I will leave with you today. They have meant so much to me personally: Zephaniah 3:17 - "The LORD your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with his love, He will rejoice over you with singing." Psalm 45:11 - "The King is enthralled by your beauty; honor Him, for He is your Lord." So, know that the King is enthralled with your beauty... You can trust Him as your Lord. 7. The Boy 06/20/2009
 The Boy I hope you're in good humour, because today's chapter must be read that way. It always makes me smile when I recall my 1st date with my husband. (or something like that :) "Today I met the boy I'm going to marry"... Well, that might have been someone else's song, but it did become mine too... eventually. I remember the first time I saw him. I can still see him there scrawled sideways on the armchair. I remember the way his hair went and the colour of his clothing. We were at our youth leader's house and he was the new guy. That's all I can recall though of that first time and there was definitely nothing about marriage being sung. Anyway, I must have shifted my focus; probably because I was dating someone else! A few months went by. I was no longer going out with the guy I had been seeing, and Bruce was also 'available'. I wasn't the only one in our small group of friends to notice his availability though so, the pursuit began. (Oh come on, don't tell me you've never pursued anyone before! :) You know what I mean; you just randomly make sure that you're around to be able to comment, help out in a time of need, laugh at one of their jokes, or just look pretty. Oh, I know this sounds crazy but something in me just wanted to get to know this guy... and he didn't seem to mind either. The 1st time he came to our house was after a mud-soccer game that a bunch of us were playing. His family lived about a 1/2 hour away so I offered our house to get showered and cleaned up for something we were all going to later that day. I do remember one of the other girls offering the same convenience to him as well... Anyway, there really wasn't anything more to it than that, except for my parents starting to ask questions. OK. So here's the fun part! Bruce's sister was getting married ... 6. Karol 05/04/2009
It was New Year's Day when I got the news. There had been an accident at about 2 am and my friend Karol, was dead. I didn't know too many details other than she was driving home from a party and drove into oncoming traffic. My heart sank and my mind jumped to the worst conclusion... that my friend was drunk and lost control. 5. Turning Point 03/30/2009
As I entered into puberty, I also started at another new school. Dad had moved our family to the country. The bonus for me in this move was that we got a horse. I learned how to ride and went out (on Johnny) on a daily basis. This new school was probably the hardest for me to adjust to as I was teased a lot by some of the other girls. I became very self conscious of my changing body; and fear increased. 4. Guard your Heart 02/23/2009
I am grateful for my upbringing! It was not perfect, but whose is?! My parents both loved God, us, and were committed to each other. We moved a lot, but mom & dad always made it a priority to find things in the community to hook us kids into and a church that had something positive to offer for our ages. We learned to pray for others, respect God, and most of all: to desire to do His will. I am so grateful for that! We had lots of fun times & opportunities. My mom gave me a precious gift by simply 'being a mom'. She was always there. She was home with us in our young years, and we knew that we were her priority. She is the one who has taught me how to be a mom, and who is now reflected in our children as they journey into parenting. It's amazing to me how many things just kind of pass through the generations. I watch as our children instinctively do things with their babies that I did with them. I know that these things have come from mom; thanks mom! My dad was the adventurer. He liked to push the edge and do things that were a little daring. We hiked trails, we canoed to James Bay, we sped down hilly roads to get a stomach thrill... he was also the one who taught me how to drive :)! It was dad who took me to try out for a girl's hockey team and dad who caught me dancing at my Grade 8 graduation! (I know these things don't mean much now, but they were a big deal when I was 12 or 13.) But, like I said, it was not all perfect. Our spiritual roots were deep and family bonds very tight, but some emotional & relational roots were a little shaky. My dad had a hard time showing affection and feeling. He had endured a lot of verbal and physical abuse from his father and would rarely talk about it, saying that he would go to his grave without telling all... and he did. My mom was from a fairly conservative home. She was fun loving and active and never cared to discuss anything negative. She knew how to say sorry (which was absolutely HUGE in my life) and ‘held the fort’ so to speak during some extremely busy & tense years of my dad trying to establish himself in business. It was in those years that my parents would have frequent arguing matches; the most significant often climaxing on a Sunday... go figure. I remember some incredibly tense drives to church and then I would walk in like nothing had ever happened. I learned from a young age to appear normal (whatever that is) in public and to give the impression of confidence. Hindsight shows me that the pressures they faced financially, emotionally from their own hurts and practically, were probably the greatest contributing factors to the stress in our home. Dad seemed to want reality to kind of ‘hang right out there’ (and it often did through anger) and my mom was always trying to keep things at bay and in order… During the first 18 years of my life, our family moved 9 times. I was in 6 different elementary schools, 2 high schools, and 3 churches. I would just get to know new friends and start to relax and then we would move again, just to start the whole process all over. This resulted in an incredible fear of people as I was always trying to break into someone’s established circle. I constantly tried to give the impression of confidence, but inside I was torn apart by the fear that I would be rejected by my new found peers. As I grew, I learned to be self sufficient & independent and for the most part (which as you can guess), that is not healthy. I did not know how much I needed people and unfortunately, did not start to recognize this until I was well into my 30’s. I want to stop here and tell you of an experience that I had in this season of my life. I am not sure of my exact age, but I was probably in Grade 3 or 4. My parents had gone away somewhere and had left me at a friend's house for the night. I remember sleeping in my friend's room and that she went and stayed in her parent's. Her room was so dark that I couldn't even see my hand in front of my face. It was scary for me, but I finally got to sleep. Sometime through the night though, I awoke absolutely terrified for there was a hand on my side. It was impossible for anyone to be there as my back against the wall, but I couldn't see anything in the pitch black. All I knew was that it felt real and it felt incredibly evil. I was petrified! I finally got the courage to find my way out of the room to ask for help. I hesitantly knocked on the parent's door and when they answered I told them what happened. Instead of the anticipated compassion and help though, I received humiliation as they thought I was overreacting and being stupid. They simply helped me find the washroom and then sent me back to bed ... to that incredibly dark room. Hindsight for me was that I was already in a vulnerable position that night as I was nervous to begin with, staying with this new friend's family. With my nerves already on an edge and then the attack (or whatever you might want to call it!) happening, my emotions and heart were wide open and required help. Instead of receiving the love and comfort that was needed, I was given misunderstanding and rejection. Instead of the fear being shut down and healed, it was fed and rooted in. I don't know if this sounds familiar to any of you, but I have not only experienced this personally but have heard it told by others through different circumstances in their own lives. I don't understand everything that goes on, only God can truly perceive all. What I do know is that for all of these years (almost 40!), I have struggled against a gripping fear that I would be rejected again by a friend or someone that I trust. You see, if rejection comes through an enemy we are somewhat expectant of it and possibly not harmed by it. When it comes to us via a friend or someone we trust; our heart can be caught 'off guard' so to speak and deeply hurt. Proverbs 4:23 says this: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." I think that this explains what I am trying to say. Our hearts are pliable and vulnerable if not guarded properly. I know that I was young and unknowing in this circumstance, but those over me should have known better. You've heard the phrase, 'sticks and stones may hurt your bones, but words will never hurt you'. It is such a lie! Sticks and stones may hurt your bones, but words have the power of life and death in them. As I hold the picture of myself; a little girl in freedom, I am encouraged and continue to seek God for who He made me to be. God through His Holy Spirit, at just the right time, reveals answers that allow me to come closer as I respond in obedience to Him. You see, on that night many years ago, my heart's door was opened by terror. Because the adults who were there for my protection did not protect & shield me, fear and rejection walked right in. What I have come to realize is that at the point these fears walked in, they also sat down and made themselves at home in me. They walked in and were a constant struggle for me until I told them to leave. If you have wrestled with fears of any kind, you know what I am talking about. For years I was terrified to go to sleep. I would not hang any part of my body over the edge of my bed for fear of something being under it, ready to grab me. I have also been a people pleaser, always trying to keep everyone happy so I wouldn't be rejected by them; afraid to really say what was on my mind and be me because I might get laughed at... As God revealed these things to me I realized that to be free I would need to apply some of His principles:
I'm going to stop here for today. Be blessed and I pray that "the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:7 3. Little Child 02/15/2009
 Jesus said, "That unless we change and become as a little child, we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven". (Matthew 18:3) Don't worry; I'm not returning to my literal childhood like a magical time warp out of reality! That would be denial (and probably insanity!). But I have desperately desired to know the purity and total acceptance of who God made me to be and to know the abandonment of self and peace that comes with trust. In this picture of myself as a child I see such confidence, such joy and laughter; things I possessed without even knowing they were there. I am going to say something that may seem obvious to you, but has actually been one of my greatest stumbling blocks to freedom; 'You have to see, to see'. Another way to say it would be, ‘You don’t know what you don’t know’. Let me explain. Jesus did not just say that we needed to become like a small child, but that we needed to change and become like a small child. If I couldn’t perceive the need for change, how would I ever change? Hindsight may be pretty clear, but perception is often cloudy. Somehow without even noticing it, I had grown old and forgot. Somehow I had opened the door to things like fear and arrogance, and closed it the truth and love. Paul talks about this in 1 Corinthians 13:12. Listen to what he says: “We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!”(The Message Bible) God does not expect us to “see” it all at once. In fact, my husband once pointed out to me that if I could see everything that God wanted to deal with in me... I'd probably die :). That’s His job and He is the only one capable of bearing everything; in fact, He bore it all years ago on the cross. He is the One that is all knowing, not me. It has been enough for me to ‘get it’ one step at a time for God knows that it would have crushed my spirit to see all my need in one instance. We are all on a journey. Our responsibility is to listen for that knocking, for it never stops. He comes at just the right time to sit and have a meal with us; to nourish and teach us if we’ll let Him. God knows what we can bear. He is wisdom and He is love and His desire for us is to love and be one with us. There is an interesting example that God gives us in scripture regarding this. God was giving instructions to the Israelites before they entered into the Promised Land. This land was occupied by a lot of people and would need to be conquered. He explains to them that He would go ahead of them causing the occupying nations to leave but, He would not do it all in one fell swoop. Listen to what God says to the Israelites in Exodus 23:29-30: “I will not drive them out from before you in one year, lest the land become desolate and the beasts of the field become too numerous for you. Little by little I will drive them out from before you, until you have increased, and you inherit the land.” (New King James Version) Don’t you just love God! You see if this was up to me, I would have planned a mass invasion to get in and get settled as fast as possible; you know: 'Get on with the program' kind of thinking! But what God in His wisdom knew, is that they would not have been able to sustain everything and hang on to the land. They needed to move slowly and strategically as He led them, getting rooted and established, growing and then moving to the next phase of advancement. Our human limitations are known to God. He knows what we can handle and will only work to benefit us. and will always work to benefit us, leading us ‘little by little’ or ‘from glory to glory’. Our responsibility is to be willing to simply take a step toward Him and ask Him what He wants to show us today; that we open the door, let Him in and let Him lead. Jesus said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. Revelation 3:20 ...more's coming. 2. The Beginning 02/12/2009
Jesus said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. Revelation 3:20 I was born January 10th, 1962. I don’t recall too much of that day ...well actually nothing, but that’s not so unusual, eh? Yes! I am Canadian with my roots coming out of Montreal, Quebec. I grew up the 2nd oldest in a family of six (2 brothers, a sister with my mom & dad). We moved to Ontario when I was four and that is where my memory starts kicking in. This is the place that I got my first two-wheeler bike. It was oversized and had really fat tires. I remember (proudly) painting it a brilliant peacock blue, with the help of my dad of course. I was so proud of it and felt so grown up! Ha! Hindsight can be terribly funny, can’t it? We used to ride all over the place; and without grown-ups too. It’s hard to believe now as none of us would ever let our children go the distances that we were allowed to then. Things have changed so much. Our house was right across from the public school that I attended for Kindergarten and Grade 1. I still remember my 1st Grade teacher’s name, Miss Monk. She was one of my all time favourites (if I could only let her know now…). We had a lot of fun in those few years with tons of friends, playing T-ball in the summer, riding our bikes, going to the corner store, and watching TV on our rounded-edged, black and white screen. I liked adventure and I liked fun. We played and explored, we went on hikes and caught bugs and we imagined ourselves to be teachers and moms and actors… You know the saying ‘kids will do the darnedest things’? Well, I recall playing in my friend's basement and … um, there was this big line of empty beer bottles stored along the wall … and, uh, we would find the ones with something left in the bottom of them and drink the remnants. Of course, we never told our parents and never really got more than a few drops. Ugh! I’ve never had any since! I was 5 when I met God. Although I do not remember every detail, I remember the moment well. I was sitting up late with my dad and he was telling me how Jesus died on a cross so that I could have my sins forgiven. When I went to bed, the conversation continued to linger in my spirit. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard about Jesus, but for some reason it was the first time that ‘I really heard’ ... if you know what I mean. I became so overwhelmed by His love and that He would go through so much for me that I started to cry. My dad must have heard me, because he came back into the room. He prayed with me as I accepted what Jesus did for me and asked Him to come into my life. Over the years, dad was often there to teach me of the deep things of God. As an adult, I have not always been so quick to respond to God’s knocking as reason and fear have held too strong a place in my life. I do believe though, that He gave me this experience as a young child to anchor my spirit and memory.  A few years ago, when I was crying out to God for that childlike freedom, He led me to a picture that my mom had given me of when I was 3 or 4 years old. Yes it's the one you can see here.... I have kept that picture in front of me (blown it up and hung it on my office wall) and asked God to take me back to the freedom that I so obviously had as a child. Jesus said, “That unless we change and become as a little child, we cannot enter the kingdom of heaven”. (Matthew 18:3) I love that! 1. HindSIGHT intro 01/31/2009
"And they overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the the death." Revelation 12:11 If hindsight is a good teacher, then I will let it teach me now. For the sake of my future, I must remember the past and recall the faithfulness of God. For whether I found myself in a pit of my own making or one imposed by someone else, God always showed up at my request. He is who He says He is; He is love and has been my protector & salvation, healer & caretaker, my redeemer and deliverer time and time again. I know that I am not even aware of the vast majority of His great interventions on my behalf and am also sure that is for my protection as well, for I would probably be overcome with the shame and guilt of understanding all my failures and how many times He has rescued me. It’s His love that compels me. (2 Corinthians 5:14) I am drawn to it like a bug to a light and want so much to bring others to it. A good friend of mine gave me this quote in Nov. ’97: “While He is totally transforming me, He is making me more myself than ever before!” So, come with me back to the beginning where I remember a kind of happy recklessness as a child; a freedom that was somehow lost through the years. It is that recklessness, that self abandonment that I have set my sights to return to! First Post! 01/28/2009
Hello everyone! |  Wanda.I love God, HindSIGHT.
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